What is love and what does it all mean anyway

 Several years ago Timothy was considered to be non verbal autistic.  I used to be asked time and time again what it was like.  How did I know he loved me?  Felt love?

I would automatically say that I knew he did, though sometimes I felt far less confident. 
Often he would touch my face.  Pat my back with a quick tempo in one spot or smile at me with bright eyes (oh those eyes....)  To say my child felt nothing was like blowing a bloody hole through my heart.  I mean, it's one if those heart stopping, gut wrenching moments that make you suck your breath in quickly and just stop...take it all in and think, yes this is really happening, it's real.  This is what it's all about.  
 
I love you Mommy.
 
I knew Timothy felt love.  I knew it.  One day he would tell me, but until that day the words left his lips he told me in other ways.
 He let me hug him.  Yes, let me.  For a time he disliked being touched and let me tell you, that hurt.  I knew it wasn't personal but oh, the hurt when he pushed me away...it was like a brick sat on my chest. 
He would seek out my eyes for a moment to let me know he was there.  To be honest sometimes I wasn't sure when he was with me and when he was not.  I would call his name and he wouldn't flinch or bat an eye.  Family questioned his hearing, his eye sight.  No.  It was autism that had his attention.
 
Not long ago the words formed on his lips and left his mouth like little sparrows like I knew they eventually would.
    "I love you Mommy."
 

 
 
         

The world did stop turning for several moments while I processed what he had said and I'm not quite sure he understood my tears or the big deal I made of this...
It was and still holds court as one of the biggest freaking deals ever in the history of Mr Timothy and his accomplishments.
Timothy doesn't have much spontaneous speech and this was no exception - it was practiced and modeled after my own "I love you Timothy's " for months and even years.
 
I love you Mommy.
 
When it can't be physically said it's being said in other ways.  A look, a touch, an action.  You just have to follow the breadcrumbs.
 
                                                                   Love to you and yours,
                                                                         Trish.  XO
 
       
 

24 comments:

  1. I found your blog via Birthday Party Invitation/Good Morning America. That post moved me to tears. Your blog post makes me cry (in a good way). Your son, you, your struggles. Sending hugs and well wishes! Anna, New York, NY

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi everyone, I'm so excited.
      My ex-boyfriend is back after a breakup,I’m extremely happy that will are living together again.
      My name is Mary Wilkie from England.
      My boyfriend of a 4yr just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant.I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again.Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes ,my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time.Generally he is a very nice guy ,he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along.He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change.I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with.I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe.He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy,he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy.i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you.Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464 ,His website: http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com .

      Delete
  2. Have you looked into sensory therapy for Timothy? As the grandmother of two beautiful children with autism I can relate to your feelings. We have been doing Mendability for two years now and both have made a lot of progress. It is a scientifically proven therapy. It is affordable and is something you can do at home. It's enjoyable for both Timothy and you - great bonding time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing yours and Timothys story. Very inspiring. Very honest. Very human. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing. I'm a mother of four boys, two of which have been diagnosed with Autism and a third son with mild ID. It is tough some days more than others. To watch my son's conquer their milestones or witness the slightest hurdles life throws atvthem is miraculous . It's beautiful to hear those few words I love you mom. Or to get a hug! The things that are taken for granted by others are the things that I appreciate the most. Thank you kindly for your share it gives joy reading a fellow parents thoughts, struggles, joys and hope. It reminds me I'm not the only one !

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for sharing Timothy's and your story. My 10 year old grandson has autism and I know some days are harder than others for my daughter and the rest of the family, but they get through them all together. My grandson is also nonverbal but shows his love in so many ways. we are truly blessed and my prayers are with you and your family as well.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your story has made my day I'm a mother of a loving 5 year old boy who has been diagnosed with autism whom also is non verbal. I worry all the time how his classmates will treat him and so far so good while he's currently in preschool but hey I'm his mommy so I extra worry I love him soooo much. thanks for sharing your story I stumbled upon this at the best time in my life because he's starting kindergarten next year and I hope he finds a special friend that understands like your son. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. the below info might help your son's autism............

    AUTISM - Kerri Rivera developed the Chlorine Dioxide (CD) autism treatment protocol that addresses the presence of pathogens, such as fungi, bacteria, heavy metals, parasites, candida, etc., found in almost every child with autism / Candida proven to be a cause / low dose naltroxene (lowdosenaltroxene.org) / gluten & dairy-free diet / cannabis oil help patients to talk / Dr Russell Blaylock vaccine detox / Lugol's iodine / Bacteriodes fragilis bolster the immune system and reduce autism / vitamin b12 (adeno B12) and vitamin B3 help with autism / visit curezone.org and earthclinic.com for very useful advice.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AUTISM - Kerri Rivera developed the Chlorine Dioxide (CD) autism treatment protocol that addresses the presence of pathogens, such as fungi, bacteria, heavy metals, parasites, candida, etc., found in almost every child with autism / Candida proven to be a cause / low dose naltroxene (lowdosenaltroxene.org) / gluten & dairy-free diet / cannabis oil help patients to talk / Dr Russell Blaylock vaccine detox / Lugol's iodine / Bacteriodes fragilis bolster the immune system and reduce autism / vitamin b12 (adeno B12) and vitamin B3 help with autism / visit curezone.org and earthclinic.com for very useful advice.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is an awesome story. I'm glad you shared it. I am a widow with a 5 year old who also has Autism. People do not know or understand how hard it can be at times for the children or the parents. I took my son to the Dinosaurs Exhibition today at Cobo Center in Detroit. He loves dinosaurs and was so excited to see this exhibit. As most kids his age 5 are anxious and not so patient when it comes to waiting in line to go into the bouncy house, he was no different. He had a full blow episode while waiting in line. I had to restrain him from running and from hurting himself by throwing himself to the ground kicking and screaming. People in line were staring at us and even making rude comments while we were standing there and we could hear them. So I kindly turned around and said " one should not talk about others when you do not know what is going on". My child is Autistic and does required more understanding, love and patience than most kids. I also said " don't tell me I'm not a good mother just because my son is Autistic, try walking a mile in my shoes honey. Once it was his turn the nice worker gave me a hug and said " it's not your fault and your doing an awesome job". Once he was done bouncing, I just hugged him and cried in rhe middle of the exhibit. So tired of the rude comments and stares. People should be more considerate and never judge a book by it's cover. The mom who invited your son is a wonderful woman and she even thought of a way for Timothy to have just as much fun as the rest of the kids. Thank you for sharing! It gives me Hope that their are still some people in this world that have a heart.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is an awesome story. I'm glad you shared it. I am a widow with a 5 year old who also has Autism. People do not know or understand how hard it can be at times for the children or the parents. I took my son to the Dinosaurs Exhibition today at Cobo Center in Detroit. He loves dinosaurs and was so excited to see this exhibit. As most kids his age 5 are anxious and not so patient when it comes to waiting in line to go into the bouncy house, he was no different. He had a full blow episode while waiting in line. I had to restrain him from running and from hurting himself by throwing himself to the ground kicking and screaming. People in line were staring at us and even making rude comments while we were standing there and we could hear them. So I kindly turned around and said " one should not talk about others when you do not know what is going on". My child is Autistic and does required more understanding, love and patience than most kids. I also said " don't tell me I'm not a good mother just because my son is Autistic, try walking a mile in my shoes honey. Once it was his turn the nice worker gave me a hug and said " it's not your fault and your doing an awesome job". Once he was done bouncing, I just hugged him and cried in rhe middle of the exhibit. So tired of the rude comments and stares. People should be more considerate and never judge a book by it's cover. The mom who invited your son is a wonderful woman and she even thought of a way for Timothy to have just as much fun as the rest of the kids. Thank you for sharing! It gives me Hope that their are still some people in this world that have a heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AUTISM - Kerri Rivera developed the Chlorine Dioxide (CD) autism treatment protocol that addresses the presence of pathogens, such as fungi, bacteria, heavy metals, parasites, candida, etc., found in almost every child with autism / Candida proven to be a cause / low dose naltroxene (lowdosenaltroxene.org) / gluten & dairy-free diet / cannabis oil help patients to talk / Dr Russell Blaylock vaccine detox / Lugol's iodine / Bacteriodes fragilis bolster the immune system and reduce autism / vitamin b12 (adeno B12) and vitamin B3 help with autism / visit curezone.org and earthclinic.com for very useful advice.

      Delete
    2. Read my post below ...it might be helpful for you.
      q_bmc

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Savvy discussion . Speaking of which if you are wanting a MI MC 03 , my colleague discovered a fillable version here http://goo.gl/pGIVta

      Delete
  12. I would like to share an interesting story with you about a boy who was Autistic and non-verbal. I will also include information about a product which the mom used and for which I am a distributor. If that is not ok, I understand. I would tell you more here but I don't want to 'spam' you. Write me at >> L9info@yahoo.com
    PS..the boy is no longer non-verbal and is not having hardly any 'meltdowns'. It's very exciting.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Trish, Don't give up the fight. Keep writing. hang in there and all that stuff. You are a gift to your son and the rest of the world.

    "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." — Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

    -David

    ReplyDelete
  14. the below info might help your son's autism............

    AUTISM - Kerri Rivera developed the Chlorine Dioxide (CD) autism treatment protocol that addresses the presence of pathogens, such as fungi, bacteria, heavy metals, parasites, candida, etc., found in almost every child with autism / Candida proven to be a cause / low dose naltroxene (lowdosenaltroxene.org) / gluten & dairy-free diet / cannabis oil help patients to talk / Dr Russell Blaylock vaccine detox / Lugol's iodine / Bacteriodes fragilis bolster the immune system and reduce autism / vitamin b12 (adeno B12) and vitamin B3 help with autism / visit curezone.org and earthclinic.com for very useful advice.

    ReplyDelete
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  16. AUTISM - Kerri Rivera developed the Chlorine Dioxide (CD) autism treatment protocol that addresses the presence of pathogens, such as fungi, bacteria, heavy metals, parasites, candida, etc., found in almost every child with autism / Candida proven to be a cause / low dose naltroxene (lowdosenaltroxene.org) / gluten & dairy-free diet / cannabis oil help patients to talk / Dr Russell Blaylock vaccine detox / Lugol's iodine / Bacteriodes fragilis bolster the immune system and reduce autism / vitamin b12 (adeno B12) and vitamin B3 help with autism / visit curezone.org and earthclinic.com for very useful advice. (truehealthfacts.com)

    ReplyDelete
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  18. Hi everyone, I'm so excited.
    My ex-boyfriend is back after a breakup,I’m extremely happy that will are living together again.
    My name is Mary Wilkie from England.
    My boyfriend of a 4yr just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant.I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again.Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes ,my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time.Generally he is a very nice guy ,he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along.He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change.I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with.I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe.He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy,he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy.i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you.Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464 ,His website: http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com .

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  20. In my experience as a special ed teacher, kids with ASD experience intense emotions, they just express them differently. Also, while you modeled that phrase by saying "I love you Timothy" he had to process it and generalize it to get to "I love you mom." This is a much bigger deal! 💕💕

    ReplyDelete